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Mouthy Broadcast

Mouthy Broadcast: Fatventures: Taco Bell’s Naked Chicken Chalupa

todayJanuary 27, 2017 2

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On January 26, 2017, Taco Bell released a Fatventure worthy menu item that promised to satisfy those who avoid carbs, but still love dat fried, fast-food, trash goodness. The Naked Chicken Chalupa forgoes the standard tortilla which encompasses most Taco Bell delicacies. Instead, a piece of fried chicken wraps up the other ingredients which include lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, and avocado ranch sauce.

Ladies and gentleman, behold:  THE NAKED CHICKEN CHALUPA

The above picture is, of course, a promotional photo. The photos I provide below are much more realistic, but first, allow me to explain the anticipation leading up to actually putting the Naked Chicken Chalupa in mouth. Taco Bell was packed tonight! All the stoners Taco Bell aficionados and taco-loving Democrats curious diners alike, waited in line just like this trash guzzling slob I did to be among the first to try it. I ordered four of the suckers, waited patiently for my name to be called, and headed home excited to gorge myself enjoy them!

1.    The packaging:

The outer wrapping is much sturdier and more attractive than that of a standard taco. It made me feel as if the Bell really put some artistic thought into this.

Inside, a cardboard shell holds the chalupa neatly in place.

2.    Size:

I apologize that I did not have a banana to provide the proper scale, but as you can see by the adjacent quarter, it is a bit on the small side.

3.    Taste:

Can you see the look of wonder and excitement in my eyes as I take my first bite?

See my expression change from delight to confusion as I chew my first bite?

4.    The actual review:

The chicken is moist, tender, and tasty. The breading is spiced-up deliciously. It actually tastes very much like a Wendy’s Spicy Chicken sandwich, and that’s where my disappointment begins. As I said, this chicken is good, but it’s not crispy enough to provide that crunch I need when I’m really craving dumpster meals Taco Bell. Additionally, I like my mouth unauthentic Mexican food loaded with meat. The only ingredients Taco Bell bothers to put inside are a few measly chunks of tomatoes, a light shred of lettuce, some cheese, and a weak AF sauce. Yes, this “avocado ranch” sauce is nothing but glorified mayonnaise. It’s not that any of it tastes bad, in fact, I enjoyed your mom the flavors, but it just felt like I was eating a half portion of some other trash a Wendy’s Spicy Chicken sandwich. I’m a fan of all garbage fast food, but I was in the mood for Taco Bell, not Wendy’s. If I could slowly kill myself by over eating design my own fried chicken-shelled Taco Bell menu item, I would make it with a hard taco shell or fritos inside for extra crunch, meat, beans, and all of the other toppings currently included. Again, this isn’t called a Fried Chicken Chalupa; it is called a Naked Chalupa. In this case, naked simply means lacking and boring. I spoke to a fellow self-mutilator friend of mine just after finishing my meal, and he believed that an ulcer in the making a request like I described is possible from Taco Bell. I’m tempted to try that out and amend my review if anyone is interested in watching me take …

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